Sabiy's World*

SuGaR BaBy

2010-01-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

Alright this is a little embarrassing. I've never heard of the term "sugar baby" until I roamed the personals listings on craigslist. First off, let me say, I was looking through them because I didn't believe that sort of thing existed. A man I met a few months ago told me about them and I had to see for myself. I'm a very curious girl fyi. The listings are really there and it's one of the most amusing things I have ever read. I won't get too much into what sort of interesting and peculiar things I've encountered because I'm sure you can go there right now and see the same or very similar listings that were there when I first ran into them.

However, I want to discuss one type of listing. The sugar daddy sugar baby listings. HUH? Does that sort of thing really exist? I thought it was just a term used to jokingly tease. Yea, it really does exist. When I first read them, I wondered if people actually find their sugar counterpart through craigslist. I wondered what sort of arrangements were made, what the girl would need to give to receive financial security. I bet so many girls in LA are sugar babies. I swear.

I could be one. I got offered a sugar daddy. I got offered to have my expenses taken care of as well as the option to have expensive things. Vacations, tickets to shows, fine dining,...a life of luxury and free of financial woes. In exchange, I would have to spend time with him, intimately in a private area.

When I heard these words coming from his mouth, I couldn't believe my ears. I imagined how it would help me so much; I visualized my cc debt resetting to zero. Money on a silver platter. On top of his offer, he was glamorizing the whole ordeal. It was as if he were trying to convince me that this sort of relationship is ideal. Both people get what they want. He even claimed it to be civilized, respectable, and how its arrangement could never lead to cheating. He told me to run with him if I really wanted to be free and how its a "much worthy convenience." Thinking about it now, I was momentarily brainwashed.

I thought about it a lot and to my surprise I didn't eliminate the thought so quickly. I was going to meet up with him to feed my curiosity. Sometimes, I put myself in dangerous situations. I can tell bad from good, but sometimes I like to dance around the fire, close enough that I may get burned. Danger intrigues me. I guess it's because I've been sheltered for so long.

That time was one of the few times I didn't indulge. The dangerous nature held me for a second but the ache I felt after contemplating lingered on too strongly for me to continue on with my curiosity. The feeling that overcame me as I was hearing the "arrangement" made me short of breath. I've never had that happen to me before. It was a physical sign that my mental inquiries were unhealthy. It was a foreshadow to the damaging effects it would have on my self esteem.

If I had gone along with it, my financial worries would be relieved, I would be living well, but at the expense of what I can never give up, my will.
He asked me, "Will you give yourself for a need you might have?"

Um...HELL NO! This is the year I go with my gut feeling. I need to put my thirst for danger aside.

Stupidity out the door. Let's go with what we know is inherently right.

Epiphany number?

2010-01-09T04:44:00.000-08:00

So I was going to write about my nude shoot for my next post, but that will have to wait. I'm too tired at 4am in the morning. But, I'm still going to write since I haven't yet today.

I'm normally not up at this hour, but I just got home not too long ago. Since Artskie and King Kozen were in town, we went to Highlands. Before tonight, I haven't been to a club for about four months. I was anticipating the moment since it has been so long that I've step foot into this familiar place-the nightlife scene.

It was good to see familiar faces and like I assumed I would, I ran into the girls I used to dance with. Across the room, I could identify them with their movements.
They looked good. Before getting there, I wondered if seeing them would make me want to pick up gogo dancing again. I got my answer. NOPE.

Being there solidified my decision. I can't really explain why I wanted to quit in the first place. The money is good, I get a workout, I love to dance...but for some reason, my gut told me to stop and tonight reinforced that choice to move on. At my studio, I have to work a lot more to get the same amount of money I used to make from gogo dancing. Although the money is not up to par, it is worth the trade off. Sometimes, it's not always about the money. Sometimes.

Basically, I'm glad I went despite the fact I was dreading being there. If it weren't for the good company, I would have had a fit. Nontheless, I am thankful. Tonight I gained direction; I red lined a previous job off my list. One step closer to figuring out my life, my path, what I want to do...a trade off second to none.

My Work Place aka "Cougar Ville"

2010-01-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

HOLY BANANAS.

So for a month now, I've been working at a workout studio. It's great, I love it. It's a charming intimate studio with all the essential and additional resources. It's in a nice area, Venice, specifically located on Abbot Kinney, a super trendy street with boutiques, oh so tasty dining, and an artistic and pleasant aura. But what really makes this job enjoyable for me is our clientele. Ok, let me get straight to the point. Our classes are full of hot middle aged women!

Their bodies are absolutely ridiculous. I can't help but stare. I mean, these women that I'm talking about are 35 and up with bodies better than 20 year olds. I'm so not kidding. They have really low body fat percentage, tight and toned muscles, and incredible stamina!

They make me look bad, and I'm TRYING to assist them. Incredibly sculpted arms, legs, backs, butts. They have an incredible dedication to fitness and they love working up a sweat. Many times, the women do the heavier weights than the men, especially when it comes to leg exercises.

Today I am sharing this because I was completely inspired after this morning's shift. 5:45 to 1:00. 7 classes, 80 people, and a number of women who completely impressed me. I usually work the evening shifts, so many of them I have never seen before. There was this one lady. She was definitely older, I think in her 40's. But her body was banging! If Michelangelo were to sculpt a female version of the David, she would be it. She was 5'7, her proportions were perfect, she wasn't overly muscular, she looked lean and tall. The most impressive thing about her physique was how her lower back curved into her bubble butt. OMG. I wondered for a second if it were fake.

There was also this other girl there. I say girl because she's definitely in her 20's. She was so freaking pretty that I couldn't even check her out. haha. You know how some people are unbelievably attractive that you can't even look them in the eye? YEA, well she was one of them. I believe she was mixed, Asian and white. I'm guessing Chinese because she had a Chinese character tattooed on her neck. She was natural. Being mixed, her hair wasn't a dark brown or black, but had a golden hue to her brown locks. Her eyes I think were light brownish green and her lashes were dark so it made them pop out more. Her nose and lips were so cute. Her nose sloped down and pointed up a bit. It was rounded but she had a little bump. It was like the perfect Eurasian nose. Definitely a special specimen. It's like she looked like she was wearing makeup but wasn't. Her skin was beautiful and lightly tanned.

After the class she was in ended, I asked my instructor who she was. Didn't get too much info, but he told me she has a British accent!!! UM, WOW. Very special specimen indeed.

There was also another girl with a mannequin body. I'm not even exaggerating. Funny thing, well to me, is that she had her hair nicely curled and up in a ponytail with a thin pink head band preventing any hairs from falling in her face. It was a 8 o'clock class so....I don't know if she did it for working out or if she came from somewhere before. And she was wearing makeup,...she kind of seemed like a stereotypical OC girl. I just thought it was amusing because she seemed a bit out of place.

There are so many different types of characters that come in. I love meeting our clients and observing them. Does that sound creepy? haha. I'm a people watcher. I believe it's the perfect environment to observe because many are in their most vulnerable state, in a position where their physical and mental strength are displayed. Even more interesting is that I believe they all have a higher level of self motivation in our private studio more than they normally would in a gym. It's their awareness that two instructors are continuously watching their every move that makes them push. We tell them to turn it up and increase their speeds, but ultimately, passing their own limit comes from within and their own desire to get results.

That's also what I love about working there. I get to help and motivate and assist in their fitness goals. Even better is I get to see determination, self motivation, desire, hard work, and unwillingness to give up. I get to be inspired in return.

I LiKe GiRls...hehehe

2010-01-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

Well, mmmm... I like to look at girls? Haha. Not a question, it's a statement, but I'm shy to just write it out as such a bold statement. Well, the again, I guess it's pretty bold of me to write about it. HAHA. I'm weird.

I look at girls a lot, and really, I think most girls do. Google searches, myspace stalking, and reading twitter updates of my favorite models and actresses are part of my daily routine. I admire female beauty, the physical soft curves and muscle definition, their convictions and depth, their overall demeanor and the way they represent/carry themselves. There are so many attributes about a women that can make them beautiful.

This post can go on and on, but I think I need to channel my energy into one area involving the beauty of women. I guess I will have multiple posts on this subject in the future.

Personally, I'm attracted to a women with a strong sense of self. She is unwilling to be swayed by the environment or media around her. She stays true to herself. She knows how to be herself in every given situation. Not the easiest task I believe, which is why I find it so damn attractive.

Physically, I love natural beauty. No surgeries on her face, no body augmentations, no hair dye, no colored contacts, no fake nails, etc. On a tangent, I always wonder how women would look without their implants, and I think 9 times out of ten I would find them more beautiful.

There are a number of models with surgery that I find absolutely enticing and striking, but in the end I will always prefer naturalness. I can admit that some women with surgery are beautiful, but knowing that they have it kind of minuses a point. LOL.

I love a great face. haha. Who doesn't? I love strong bone structure while having feminine features. I really admire good skin. I'm so envious of it. LOL. Damn genetics!

Body wise, I think having a healthy body is ideal. Doesn't really matter if they are skinny or thick, as long as they are healthy.

So, my celeb crushes would be Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovish. Absolutely breathtaking. Right?

I also like Hyori Lee. There's something about her. I know she's got a number of surgeries, but I have to admit, she is beautiful. If you watch her videos like I do, haha, she actually has personality. A cute one.

I don't think I can pick a specific feature of a women that I like best. I think it depends on the whole package, how every feature harmonizes with one another. The slightest curves and placements make a difference. Hmmmm,....actually, I think I like lips. haha. But still, what I just wrote holds true.

Lastly, I am most impressed by a woman who can articulately speak her mind. Wit, charm, and natural seduction. WOW! It can't get any better than that. There have been times I get nervous around women like that. I get really girly, my voice gets higher, and I become shy. Honestly, personality for the win. Personality, confidence, Intelligence coupled with humbleness exudes beauty. Looks are just icing on the cake.

I am completely disgusting

2010-01-04T14:06:00.000-08:00

Disgusting up until yesterday when I finally took it upon myself to organize the explosion of clothing that has colorfully decorated my living room floor for the past two months. It's not that I didn't want to, trust me, I know that living in clothing filth is unattractive and prone to unforgiving smells. I suck. Or...I sucked. NO more because I am actively cleaning up the mess, folding, and placing them in categorized piles...so well that v-necks and crop tops have their own.

For me, this is major. To me, cleaning this mess means so much more than the simple act of being tidy, its confronting the remembrance of the hurt and insecurity of not having my move to Cabo pan out. Some of my little tanks and bikinis that I finally picked off the floor where meant to be in Cabo's galore. So,..as you can see, it's me getting over the past and moving on.

On the topic of organization,...I'm about to get a little techie-thanks to my computer techie friend. ;) Anyways, did you know that google organizes what we search in their archives. Yes, everything we search is remembered. So if you are looking for free porn, google knows. Now, when I first heard this, my mind immediately went "surveillance! SURVEILLANCE! Damn,Where is my privacy?" However, I slowly calmed down as my friend explained that google's policy has helped solve a murder case. A man who seemed clear of murdering his wife was found guilty because the police checked his googled searches! And what did they find? Results on how to successfully cover a murder!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodness! Now...this made me think twice...google has proven to be a prime source for bringing justice. But... is limiting our privacy justice? It's a bloody wonder. I mean, what is really private nowadays?

Luckily, Google can't tap my searches. With the help of my friend, I have officially, "anonymized Google cookies" I suggest you all locate your closest techie friend to help you do the same. HAHA. I'm jk. I don't really care if google has my searches at their fingertips, I have nothing to hide.

It's been a really long time

2010-01-03T01:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a really long time that I have wanted to fall in love. For the past year, I denied any sort of male companionship to an extreme degree that I would even avoid male interaction! LOL. I just wanted to focus on myself and my pursuits.
I don't know if the holiday season or the new year is reason to my new found openness or if I ultimately do want a relationship and the desire has just been dormant for the past year. Have I always been sappy? I wonder.

I have discovered that the way I operate within a relationship is independent of male affection. I don't expect it, if I do get it, I appreciate it and I see it as a blessing. And vice versa, I give it without expecting in return because showing my affection is enough for me. I do crave it however. Nonetheless, as willing as I am to give, I sometimes hesitate about the degree of how much I should expose. I wonder if its too soon and really its because of a fear- the fear that reciprocal feelings are absent. I guess then I need to figure out the other side before I shower it with x's and o's. I'm afraid to be a fool, a hopeless romantic fool.
My dad thinks the world is going to end in 2011 shortly after my birth date. I'm not saying I agree, but for some reason I feel like the world may end before I die. And before I die, I want to fall in love. Hence, I'm slowly throwing the bricks away. Slowly...

It's difficult because I haven't exposed myself to anyone for so long. I forget how to communicate the various topics encompassed by romantic relationships. I suck at it now; and I used to complain so much about poor communication from the other side.
I recently watched the film, "A Single Man." In the film, the main character claims that with each passing year, he became "sillier" or...the way I interpreted, not as put together...contrary to the concept that with age, brings wisdom, experience, and thus the ability to bring things back to stability.

In my 23 years, I have had a good number of experiences and holding onto stability becomes more difficult each year.
My point is, I am open to falling in love, but I think my instability and maybe slight lack of confidence convinces myself that I'm still not ready.
Personally, I need a man who is stable and if I am not, why would anyone be remotely interested in me? Which gets to my next realization. I need to have the qualities that I would want in my partner. How can I expect specific attributes in someone else when I lack them myself? Perhaps this is a hybrid year of tearing down my wall while building my self esteem. I want to be ready.

Last year I lost all faith of finding a relationship in LA which is why I denied any romantic interaction. I'm slowly gaining it back, but due to my experiences, I am still highly skeptical. very very very times ten skeptical.

When you think you have a connection with someone, do you question its realness? I know that I cannot fake my excitement when it comes to romance. I wonder if anyone else can tell that I'm genuine. I wonder if the other side is genuine.

I also wonder if people can tell in the first encounter whether or not they could let themselves love one another. Say in a first date, is it possible to know or is growing to love someone else an idea that grows on you over time? With my past bfs, I had an immediate attraction that made me know almost instantaneously. In other words, I knew that inevitably I would love them.

I'm so weird, but before I meet someone for the first date, I always wonder if they will be the love of my life. I can't help it. haha. I guess I really am sappy.

Boobs, Boobies, Titties, Tits, Beautiful Globes, God's gift...

2009-11-24T11:31:00.000-08:00

Whatever you want to call it, I'm totally getting it! haha JUST KIDDING! I'm totally NOT! It would be a complete lie if I told you I never thought about it though. A few months ago, I was so convinced I wanted it; I even went to consultations. I discussed it with my friends and family. Some who were more than encouraging, others became angry with me and claimed, "it's the ugliest thing." I also received concerns about me looking superficial, future implant ruptures, high costs, the "fake look", etc.
In contrast, advocates would say that it would help with modeling, it would look good, its sexy...in my mind I thought about how different clothes would look, how it would be nice to fill this and that out better.
The most interesting topic that came up was about what men would think. HA! People would say, guys don't like fake boobs, they like looking at them, but not touching them! Or I would hear from guys, "I love boobies! Get it!"

mmmmm........ludicrous right? Why would I get or not get them because I'm concerned about what men would think? It's my body, it's what I want. So fyi, don't bring this topic up to anyone who is considering them.

Getting back on the topic, I will say that before I started modeling, I never considered the idea. I was strong in my stance. As time went on, my decision wavered and the idea of getting boobs wasn't a big hoopla since so many models and women nowadays have a pair. It's becoming more widely accepted.
In today's society, very few women are content with their breasts and with visuals of the "perfect" bodies, it's difficult not to compare your own to the idealized fullness and symmetrical breasts that are now so attainable. With 4k-10k, you can end your boob envy! I mean who wouldn't want Adriana Lima's breasts?

This whole boob thing was brought to my attention my first year in college. Prior, I didn't give a damn. I was happy and busy playing sports! haha. Anyways, back to the story. The summer before college, I invested a lot of time in my fitness, and I think that was the time my body was the most conditioned. I was happy with my physique. One day, this guy I had just met told me he really liked my body, but that I needed a boob job! Back then, I was really innocent and sheltered, so it kind of did hurt me. Thinking about it now, I think he was an asshole for saying that but ok lets move on.
Let's fast forward. So when I started modeling, I was introduced to the import scene. And if anyone knows, import models have big boobs, most are fake. And so since I wanted to do it for a second, people would tell me that I needed to get a boob job if I wanted to succeed. Same thing with gogo dancing. Being curvy is part of the job so it's true, having boobs gives you an advantage. Sux cuz sometimes it's more important than actual dancing ability but that's a whole other topic I don't want to get into.
Most models/gogos have myspace pages to promote themselves to get hired. The publicity of your photos are inevitably positioned under scrutiny. Sometimes you get positive feedback, other times, you get haters. One time, I posted this new candid bikini picture up, this guy, maybe 18 or 19, commented, "get a boob job." the exact words, nothing else to it. Indulging in my curiosity, I asked why. He replied, "because you need it, it will look better"
I share this story not to fish for pity or reassurance, but to make it known that this incident can be a possible reason to why women may feel insecure. Men make stupid ass comments to women about their "deficiency" which results in an evolving insecurity. It boggles my mind that men are comfortable telling women what to do with their bodies. Another incidence, I once went out with this guy, and well he went a little psycho on me. After that one time of hanging out, I told him I wasn't interested. He then begins calling me nonstop, texting nasty things and commenced criticizing my physical appearance. He told me I had man legs, a big nose, and small titties. The small titties part was the last of his critique and was emphasized with an exclamation. "You have small titties!" ...like it was the worst thing in his dislikes about me.
Now, I'm not saying men are the only reason. I just think its sad that men tell women to get breasts like its the right thing to do. Let's say these women do get the boobs and now they are the idealized bodies. Other men and women see this, and the cycle continues. I'm also aware that women want implants for their own self confidence. I have nothing against other women getting them if it makes them feel secure. I just know it's not for me.

So yea, from endless comments and critiques and visuals of other women, I did want to enhance myself, but NOT ANYMORE.
I'm a proud owner of my 34 A/B boobies. YAY! =D

I decided to bring this topic up because I had an interesting incidence with a man that I met at a gas station. He was filling up across from me and it was hard not to notice that he was very fit. I was also in my athletic wear and so we naturally began discussing fitness. I told him about how I improved my strength and loss inches as well as my next body challenge. He laughed, telling me, "don't get too cut" For some reason, I hear this from so many men. hahaha. I don't think I can. When I work out and lift weights, my body shrinks. Before he left, he said, "can I tell you one thing," (I thought I was getting work out advice)"just don't get implants. Women always want to be bigger on top and spill out of their shirts, but really, it's just not attractive. It don't matter how small they are."

I thought about how this incident went along with what my other friends were telling me about how men don't like fake boobs. Then of course, I thought about the other incidences which I just shared.

I'm exhausted from all this boob talk. LOL.
I don't think fake ones are good or bad but they can be beautiful. Nonetheless, I am FOR CERTAIN that I don't want them. There is something enticing about women who are proud with what they have. Those women have served as my inspiration not because of the size of their chest but because of their security.

A new LIFE

2009-11-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

I want to share a card that I recently purchased. Yes, a card. I'm not really into buying little nik naks or collectibles, but when I came across this card, I had to buy and frame it. It now hangs on my wall across from my bathroom. Against black and in white letter it's written,"Life isn't about finding yourself, LIFE IS ABOUT CREATING YOURSELF." Perhaps this doesn't sound that incredible or is a new profound saying in your eyes. But, for me, at that moment of reading it for the first time, it spoke to me... the experience an epiphany that has explained what was and is happening to me.

Cabo,... a major disappointment for the past couple weeks has transformed into a blessing. I remember the detrimental effects it had on my confidence. I wanted to shield myself from everyone. I became bitter, angry, insecure... These feelings were intensified due to the fact that prior to the experience, I felt the most confident I had ever been in my past 22 years.

It took me a while to figure things out, but I knew I needed a change in my mentality. I had to take care of the angst before it took control of me.
Control....I lost it and was looking for a way to gain it back. I found it...
I decided to take on a totally different lifestyle. I began waking up at 7 in the morning, working out intensely for an hour, eating healthy, sleeping before midnight. From this, I have gained new incite, discipline, and a new direction in life.

When everything was out of control, I felt that my body and lifestyle was the one and only thing I could take charge of. After three weeks of turning my old habits completely upside down, I feel better than ever. I am recharged.

Two weeks into training, I realized a healthy lifestyle is what I want. I want to wake up early and live when the sun shines. I don't want to eat poorly or get wasted or surround myself with the craziness of the nightlife. That being said, I'm retiring my gogo boots. Not that I've been wearing them, but haha...you get the idea. I love the dancing and wearing the cute outfits, I wish gogos were needed during earlier hours. However, it's not enough to keep me there. I was considering bar tending too, but I realized that to work and thrive in the nightlife, a particular personality is needed. I naturally don't have the demeanor that suits the nightlife. I will appreciate it from time to time, but I have decided, its not for me. So I guess my boots will be going up on craigslist soon. ;)

The best part about my new direction in life is that I am now pursuing a career in this healthy lifestyle! I was very lucky! I applied for a position as a personal trainer's assistant. I initially did not get it because they only needed two and the other girl who was chosen already knew the owner of the studio. And as for the other one, they wanted a male. However, two days later, one of the interviewers gave me a call and told me he spoke to the owner and convinced him into meeting me! He told me I was top three and that he believed in me. =)So guess what!? I'm a personal trainer's assistant with aspirations of becoming one myself. I want to be able to lead a class and kick everyone's asses. haha. jk. I just want to help people reach their fitness goals and live a healthier life. I want to share and educate!

I know this is the right direction for me. Working out and eating healthy is so important to me especially because my family has a history of physical limitations and serious ailments. My mother, my sister, my brother, and my father. Breast cancer, Lupus, allergic reactions, skin conditions, dairy intolerance, asthma, stiff joints, insomnia,...all in my immediate family. Just thinking of it,...SUX.

So yes, I have a purpose...and my motivating factor holds closely to my heart. I want to invest in something that I can see myself continuing in the future.
Sometimes, its not all about money because I can tell you that helping people will be one of the most rewarding things to me.

This is a lot for me to share...I usually hold everything in. For some reason though, I feel excited. I look forward to this new life. I'm happier than ever. =)

On another exciting note, I am shooting with one of my dream photographers, Tony Yang. His work is just beautiful! He captures it so well. I am so honored and feel so blessed to create naughty and nice images with him. He titles this work as "Intime." We are shooting in beautiful suites in Palm Springs. He's really good at picking locations. I've never been there so I'm glad I get to stay there for a few days. Many of his images are very intimate and showcase the female form. I've wondered if I would ever do a nude shoot, and honestly, I would. haha. I think the body is beautiful and to capture its beauty is even more beautiful. I'm not into the whole raunchy blatant pictures of tits and ass, but nudity can be captured in sensual and artistic ways which I am a fan of. I LOVE IT!

I don't consider myself a model. I just like taking kool images. I want to bring something new, refreshing, and visually stimulating to the table. I guess this is what every artistically driven individual wants. lol. Sometimes I like taking the standard, conventional shots too... its all gravy.

I've been wanting to build a website that has a compilation of the different types of shoots that I have done in the past. From comparing the images, its amazing to see that change within myself. That form of documentation is what's interesting. I think everyone should do photo shoots. Looking back at the photos will make you appreciate how things are and maybe miss how things were. I would also include my blog, workout & diet advice, funny stories, cruel life experiences, makeup tips and products, fashion goodies as well as my aspirations and inspirations. I just want a place where I can put all my interests together and share them. It's my way of documenting and if it can help anyone, then I have fulfilled my purpose.

Someone told me that years 22, 23, and 24 will be the roughest time in one's life. For me that holds true...so far. I hope, though, by the time I'm 24, I have my shit together.

Diet Journal

2009-11-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, so I'm finally doing this diet/food journal thing. They say it helps with weight loss...yes actually writing down the foods that are consumed daily. I just started this four week program today. Every weekday at 9 in the morning I train with someone. I decided to embark on this journey because the things I do in the gym get quite repetitive and I think I have hit a plateau. Anyways, we did body measurements, and I was surprised I have 37 inch hips! Actually a little bigger than 37 in. I never thought I had wide hips...maybe it's the booty. LOL. I think it sticks out a few inches. My build is also a little broader than most asian girls so my hips in proportion to the rest of my body doesnt really looks out of place. Or at least I think so.
I also have a really athletic build. Every time I go on a shoot or casting, people always ask if I work out. LOL. I'm not sure how to feel about being visibly muscular, but oh well!
A personal trainer that is often at my community gym told me that because of my muscular body type, it should be easy for me to tone up. He casually said that I already have the muscle, I just need to lose the layer of fat. LOL.
What it boils down to is what I put in my mouth. I eat pretty healthy, but sometimes I'll eat the brownie and ice cream or I'll eat really late at night. So from now until the end of Nov....even through Thanksgiving, I'll be on this strict regimen and working out every morning. I hope I can do it. I'm aiming for 110. I know it's a lot. I'm about 122 and 5'5. In all honesty, I don't think I could reach 110 just because I do have a lot of muscle...so I guess if I reach 115, I'll be happy. so 7 or 8 pounds in a month. Is that possible? We shall seeeee!
Today's meal:
2 scrambled eggs
potato chips...I already cheated
oatmeal w/peanut butter
4 pieces of sushi
persimmon
some veggies from Whole Foods
WATER!

I'm not going to drink anything else but water. I'm not a big fan of sugary drinks or juices anyways. The things I will miss are my chocolate and cookies. =(
Nonetheless, I'm excited to do this whole different weight loss/getting fit plan. I don't even remember the last time I woke up at 7:30 every morning for a month. I was planning on using my healthy living experience in Cabo to catapult my change, but since that's no longer happening, I'm making it happen here! No excuses!

Transition 9/30/09

2009-09-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

3 known facts. I'm a shopaholic, bebe shoes are HOT, but manolos, prada, and ysl shoes are to die for! yea,...I'm actually not a crazy shopaholic...just the past two weeks. I've been shamefully spending money on unnecessary pleasures. But, I'm happy, and happiness is priceless regardless of the expense!! hahaha ok money doesn't buy happiness, or does it? Are we just conditioned to think it doesn't because of the underlying implication that lusting after money is an indication of shallowness?
I think to some degree, money does buy happiness...or...the things that make you happy.

I've definitely realized my style has made a transition. No more flashy patterns against neon colors. My dancer swag has took flight. It's all about the streamlined silhouttes from head to toe. And because of this change in style, I've been feeling more womanly, more refined.

So at the moment, I'm in San Francisco. I decided to make a stop here after OK since I'm leaving soon for Cabo. It's really happening and I can't wait! In many ways, I view this move as a time for me to really evaluate and make the changes within myself to become the woman I want to be. I have seen a progression within myself, but I'm still unsatisfied because I constantly envision myself of how I want to be in the future. More confident, well groomed, more independent, financially secure, having optimal health...with the ability to help or inspire others. The list is lengthy.
Right now I'm in the box, with a hand breaking free. My mindset has developed to see what is beyond, but my actions are still influenced by the realm within. I want to be out and dancing to my own beat that I have always played. I'm determined.

So cabo is just a couple weeks away. I see this voyage not only as a fantastic opportunity, but,...I hate to admit, an escape as well. I need a break from America. haha. I think I've been consumed by the media or useless information which may have blindsighted me from what really matters. Ok, not the media's fault, my own.

Lately Iv'e been considering acting. I think it's merely due to the fact that people always ask if I am an actress or if I have ever considered it. The more people mention it, the more I think about it. Seems like a very difficult challenge, but I kind of like throwing myself into things that aren't the easiest. Why would I strive for something I know is easily achievable? I have big dreams because I make them big. Push yourself past the limit...it ensures that you reach and may surpass your potential.

Sometimes I think about people who may not agree with how I choose to live or the decisions I make. I know I may be negatively spoken of...actually I know this for a fact...it always comes back to me through the grape vine. I'm so used to it now. =/ I guess all I'm saying is that I can care less what people think.

I'm over myspace. I think it's going downhill and I'm beyond tempted to delete my account. BUT I can't! lol. It still is a great networking site especially for modeling. Playboy tv's producer actually hit me up through there, Iv'e gotten several gogo gigs through myspace, and of course I met good people in the industry who wanted to help me out. Unfortunately, there are a number of douchebags on there too. Too many times people make stuff up about themselves to get your attention. Such as their occupation, their networks, their "new" modeling agency. lol. On myspace, people can be whoever they want. The drawback of an online identity. or is it a advantageous progression? I guess there are pros and cons to most things.

One other known fact, my sleep schedule is horendous. So it's definitely time to KO. Peace out!

Back to LA & random thoughts

2009-08-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

Wow! Crazy past few weeks! Went to Vegas, then back to LA, then to the bay area, then I drove back to LA. I'm exhausted!

I guess I can't complain too much, things have been pretty exciting! I finally got to be a ring girl for Strikeforce at the HP Pavillion. The event was "Carano vs Cyborg," the top two leading ladies in MMA were going head to head. It was such an exhilarating experience and one that I'm truly thankful for! I can't wait to do it again! I'm definitely a fan of the sport; Gegard Mousasi was the most impressive fighter there. He went into the octagon with a calm and collected yet confident expression that communicated to the audience he was going to beat the sh*t out of his opponent. It was easy for him. If you have Showtime, watch it, and you'll see what I'm talking about it. I heard they showed the ring girls too, so maybe you'll see me. ;)

So today I found out that someone was wondering if I were a porn star! LOL. Based off my complete and diverse portfolio, I wonder why someone would assume that. It's funny to me. I know people are always going to make misjudgments, so I guess when I hear things like that I laugh instead of getting mad. I know who I am and that's all that matters.

I'm in LA for ten days and then I'm off to Vegas again for the Magic Clothing Show. I think this will be my fourth time to Vegas in the last three months? LOL. I Love it there. It's becoming my third home.

I haven't worked out in a week! Ahh! It's killing me too; I feel like a whale.=( Starting my ten day diet tomorrow. LOL. I'm so bad. Sometimes I think I need a personal trainer, but then I tell myself to stop being "weak sauce" and to just suck it up and discipline myself.

I think the most enjoyable thing about going home was seeing my parents. I had a few great conversations with my mom and she supports my modeling 100%. She hasn't seen all my photos, but she's seen some sexy ones. lol. She knows what I do. When I told her about gogo dancing and asked her opinion about it, she replied, "well, as long as the important parts are covered." LOL. She always asks when my next gigs are too. So cute*. I told her I'm going to pursue modeling til I turn 26, so another three good years! Maybe more if I keep to it, but I think I would want to move on to my other plans. It's weird saying this, but when I went home, I really felt that she was proud of me and my accomplishments so far. It makes me so happy to hear that because I look up to mom so much, she is the most fearless and hard working woman I know. She's also the craziest. Haha.

So today I made the long drive from San Francisco to LA in my little Hyundai Tibi Gt. It's my new baby. I had a lot of time to just think things through and what I want to do with my life and career. I also came to the conclusion that I need to start taking action now instead of waiting for the "right" time. I realized people who don't take action are just afraid of what repercussions may come. It's is also defined as being cautious, but I just think it's fear. The biggest risk is not taking one...which is why I take so damn many. And also, don't let others take charge of your future, your destiny is in your own hands. People don't squash your dreams, you squash your own when you believe it's unattainable.

It's all in the mind baby. =)

2009-07-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited for life right now, so much that I can't sleep. LOL. I feel more ambitious than ever in my life and I feel so happy! Weeee!!!!!!!!

Need to get a few things off my chest

2009-07-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

So,....lately I feel like something is missing....and I don't know why. I mean summer is going great, I just got back from Vegas with my girls and I have more traveling in August to Vegas again and then the bay. Modeling is also coming along. I'm super excited to be a ring girl for Strikeforce. It's sort of like my dream modeling job. haha. I always wanted to work or model in an athletic environment and now I get my chance! Whoo!
Despite these exciting events to look forward to, I dunno... I feel like I can be doing more. It's so sad to say, but I hardly go out anymore. I'm like my mom, I worry about money. If I go out, I'll spend. hahaha. For example, I went out last night with my sis and it was a blast! And I happened to drop $200 on yesterday's festivities. Yet, I had such an amazing time. Got a massage, new clothes, watched a movie, ate bomb Korean food. So...money buys happiness? hahaha or it brings enjoyment to my life. lol.
At the end of the night, I realized that I can't afford to keep doing that. =( Sucks when you're financially independent. It's funny cuz my mom always says, "well, you could of had it worse. I know teenagers who take care of themselves by the time they're 18!" so true, so I guess I just need to suck it up and learn how to take care of myself. Life was so easy back in college. lol. Looking back, I wish I were more careful with my money. Eh,..I spent it like it was nothing....
And so now at 22 years of age, I feel like an adult.

I'm excited for October to come rolling around. It's not only my birthday month, but there's a chance that I may be working the nightlife in Cabo San Lucas. I may actually be living there! It sounds crazy, but to me, it's an adventure. I want to travel, live in different areas, and explore. The unknown can be a dangerous thrill and most of the time it entices me. On a tangent and in relation to what I just mentioned about the unknown, my friend/mentor was telling me about Hostess clubs and well, he took me to one in LA a while ago. I pretended I wanted to become a hostess there. My job would be to entertain business men traveling from overseas particularly Japan. The mama-san who takes care of the girls looked at me, smiled, and said that I could come back the next night and start working. I wasn't in shock though, I was more intrigued. I wondered if I would be good at it too. I would consider being a hostess, but at a very upscale venue where women dance naked in water tanks to entertain their guests. =) I guess that's the way I am...I look for the next big thing. Something to tickle my senses.

sooo I dunno,...I think this is why I feel like something is missing at the moment. Nothing is really happening right now. Just sort of waiting for things to...which I know is not the way to live life. I know I need to put myself out there more...see what's around. Oh yes! I forgot to mention, I watched the ugly truth last night. It's one of those films that tell u everything and nothing about relationships. haha. Iv'e been thinking,...and I think I can't have a boyfriend right now. I don't think I'm ready....or maybe it's just that I don't trust men...so consequently I don't desire one. haha. But I wouldn't mind having a friend to chill with. BUT!, there's a major problem with that too cuz well, boys have a penis. so,...that's something that will be missing,...especially in LA. ;p haha.

This is what I'm puttin in my mouth

2009-06-09T20:32:00.001-07:00

Sooooooooo as of lately I've been pretty good about my diet. Lots of veggies. I recently discovered this cucumber and tomato salad and it's delish! I know I mentioned this in my last post, but it really deserves more attention. Okay okay, so maybe you don't like tomatoes and cucumbers to begin with. Don't fret. I was the same.
But after you make this recipe,....your taste buds are about to change. Okay so I stand by this salad because it's not only tasty and refreshing, it is healthy and takes hardly any time to prepare. This is what I do. I chop up half a cucumber, half a large tomato,and half an avocado (optional). Put it all in a bowl. Sprinkle some low fat feta cheese on top. Next, put a good amount of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and mix that party bowl up!

MMMMM yummmmmmmmmmmyy! I'm eating this very moment. Bites of this divine salad in between my typing. =)

So I guess besides this recipe, I think I want to write a few items that I absolutely love. okie doke, here's my list.

tomato and cucumber salad
broccoli salad
broccoli with salmon
cocoa butter (makes your skin soft)
green tea (helps fat loss and helps digestion)
chanel liquid foundation
cottage cheese with blue berry or bananas and almonds
peanut butter with banana or whole wheat bread
dark chocolate
water
frankie b jeans (go to metropark, we got some good ones)
dior powder foundation
stila onyx eye liner
diesel underwear
oatmeal
off the shoulder tops
sheer fabric tops
lili bella lip gloss by vincent longo...it's the perfect pinky mauve. haha

the list will probably change slightly week to week since I discover new things/products often.

As for workouts, I've been reading bodybuilding.com. Don't worry, I'm not trying to become a body builder. lol. Check it out though, they have great work out advice. Also, my friend Steve has a work out website: apexbody.com. He writes a lot of great tips as well. He actually told me about the tomato and cucumber salad so you never know what you can find when visiting these sites...well for me,...healthy and delicious food!!! =D

Where I'm at

2009-06-03T01:48:00.000-07:00

So....I feel like I'm at an interesting point in my life. Many spontaneous things have happened. There's a lot going through my mind, and I don't know where to start.

Hmm,...I guess as of lately I've been feeling the need to be cautious or protect myself. And the thing is, it's because of my friends who are afraid that I'm going to get hurt because I "show my cards too easily" or I'm "naive" or I am always "emotionally involved" with things. I can see why they might say that, but I'd like to think despite my sincerity and openness, I can judge weather a situation is bad or good. I dunno,...perhaps I haven't experienced the world's corruption to its fullest. Is that a bad thing? I have a strong mind and I know how to deal.

So,...I'm 22 right now. Sometimes I feel old and other times super young. I can tell that the inner woman is starting to come out though... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was looking at my facebook pics of myself from my freshman year in college all the way to the present. It's so funny and slightly embarrassing. A lot of baby fat gone...lol. Also, sometimes I didn't even recognize myself. I feel like I have grown so much and am so much more comfortable in my skin.

Despite my growing confidence, at times, I feel like I'm lost. I'm not as focused as I could be. I need to be more strict on myself or something.

Gogo dancing and modeling are going well, but I know I can improve myself to feel more prepared when pursuing these two. I've been eating healthy and working out, but I cheat and I need to stop, lol. I love to eat late at night and I really love sweets. It's a crime. I really want to tighten everywhere so I'm estimating, but I want to lose ten pounds and gain five pounds of muscle. I don't know why it's so hard right now. When I was 17, it was easy fo sheezy. Man, if Britney can do it, I should too! So I guess my flaw is my inconsistency.

I've been cooking more and actually made this really good salad with tomatoes and cucumbers,...and I don't really care for either. But I was convinced to try it and it was bomb.com. =) Thanks for the recipe Steve!

Lately, I've been meeting very interesting people. And it amuses me because everyone is just so unique. I love learning about how other people are, the way they interact, their passions, their aspirations, their hardships....all of it is intriguing. I especially love meeting goal oriented individuals. They inspire me to keep going for what I want. I just love surrounding myself with good positive energy. It's contagious! Also, I tend to pick up certain attributes that I admire from others and use them as inspiration.

Sometimes I feel like something in my life is missing and many times I think it's because I'm not 100% content with myself. So,...I decided to make a list of goals down and slowly but surely, I'm going to check them off.

LA Men

2009-05-24T01:35:00.000-07:00

Okay so this post is about, well obviously, LA men, or about men I meet in LA that usually come from elsewhere but end up in LA to pursue their careers. That's the usual case.

Anyways, from my short time here, I met a good handful. And oh man, I feel like I can write a mini book about the experiences I have had with each that I have met.
And the funny thing is that I have met these men in the most unexpected places. I'm not too sure about getting into details, but I think its interesting to talk about it.

Well, first of let me say that chivalry is dead. And if you think it isn't, it is indeed a temporary facade that masks mens' true burning desire to put you in bed. Really it is. And the thing is, I find it amusing...which I will get into later. I am so aware, now, of this common underlying goal that unifies men. Yes, this goal and reaching it brings men together because after they "score," they will have an ego fest about who they banged and try to top each other by relaying the most intimate details to their peers, followed of course by hi fives and slaps on each others' asses. hahaha jk. But the thought is amusing. Yup, and after you will be number 42 on their "how many girls I banged" list.

Second point of discussion, my whole mentality on girls and guys being friends might have altered. Actually, yes, it did. haha. Because even if they don't make a move on you and make it clear they see you in that romantic or lustful light, they are thinking it in their head. When the time comes, they will make a move on you, try to cuddle you, maybe buy you drinks so "more than friendly" touching is excused because of inebriation. As long as sex exists, say bye bye to friendship.

Third, guys are liars. Hahaha. okay not liars, "sweet talkers." What a horrible and inaccurate euphemism. LOL. O man. I have a really good story about this one. Maybe in another post I will write about the story, but basically this guy was crazy. Think about the movie Swingers when the main character calls this one girl like ten times explaining himself. That happened to me. He was so conflicted. Even though he pissed the f out of me, I still feel sorry for him.

Hmmm....fourth, I met men who talk so big. Bigger than they should. It's ridiculous. Why flaunt something you don't have? Hahaha and then they say they aren't full of bullsh*t.....or they aren't a pig.....and on top of that, they are very genuine and an amazing man who treats women right. Sometimes talking too much about how good they are, what things they have, how much money they make accentuates the bullsh*t. Words don't say much nowadays.

For some reason, I haven't been aware of the male intention until I moved here. Is it the men in LA or men in general and have I just been blind sighted? I guess I haven't been single for tooo long, and when I was taken, I didn't even know other men existed. haha.

I wonder at times why men are so eager to stick their d*ick in any girl they can get. Why aren't they concerned with looking slutty? haha Because it's a Victory! LOL. Guys are so easy and its a little amusing to see what they would do to try and get there. Make you dinner, Massage your back, Compliments left and right. Sometimes they skip all of that and go straight for your mouth. Hahaha.

It is all a game and the ball is in the girl's court. We have the power because we have the p*ssy.

hmmm,....what else, I do think there are good guys out there. It's a rarity though and sometimes I fret that these good guys are finding their inner douche because of stupid books that says girls like assholes more than gentlemen. Well, I'm one who hates assholes. I'm surrounded by them 24/7. I mean, I am in LA. HAHA. jk. Really I am.

Perhaps the guy's "victorious feat" is a way to diffuse their insecurities. Their worth is based on how many girls they conquer? That or guys just like doing it. HAHA. Can't hate on that. LOL.

DIET

2009-04-14T00:53:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've been trying hard to focus on getting my booty into top shape. Like Ciara cut status, but with some softness still. lol. I know exactly what to do, but sometimes it's so darn hard. =/

Today I ran the Santa Monica stairs for an hour and a half; my thighs are all wobbly now. =/ And the day before I biked all the way to Manhattan Beach. O yea, I also bought a Taebo dvd. Billy's videos really do work! I always do it when I go back home to San fran so I can workout even when I'm traveling.

So my friends sometimes ask me about my diet and although I know what is good, I don't always stick to it. here's a few foods that I try to stick to. In the morning, oatmeal with no added sugar. Fruits & Salads. Almonds. Fish. Cottage cheese, peanut butter. whole wheat products, tea, water.
Basically, if you want to lose weight, cut out white foods (rice, bread, pasta), milk/dairy, coffee, high sodium foods, high sugary foods...like all those yummy deserts. =( Try that for two weeks and you will see a difference. I did once and it worked. lol. But I love food so I don't stick to this regimen anymore. o yes, and I don't drink a lot which probably helps too.

As for workouts, everything is about proportion. I like the toned look so basically I aim for definition. Abs, arms, legs, and booty. Plus if you build your shoulders and booty and run off the love handles, your waist looks smaller in relation. I think booty is really important so I would recommend squats and really squeeze through the exercise. donkey kicks as well for a lifted appearance. For the lower back, that superman exercise. lol.

I'm excited for my new taebo dvd to arrive. I guess I'll write a review about it for my next post. tata!

My shoot with Tony Chu

2009-04-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it, but I got to shoot with one of my dream photographers. lol. I remember seeing his work when I first started modeling and thinking to myself, "man,...I would kill to shoot with Tony Chu" Yesterday, that dream came true.

It was insane, crazy, and overwhleming for me. We did some crazy stuff and I absolutely love the way it turned out. He is so talented; I highly recommend looking at his work. his photography makes you FEEL.
I just feel so blessed to have done a high fashion look because often times, fashion photogs don't want to work with shorter models. Being 5'5, I'm a few inches away from the standard. Luckily for me, Tony gives us shorter models an opportunity. =) Working with him was amazing b/c he was so professional and serious about capturing a great image. He was very precise in planning and also directed me at times with poses. I was a little nervous in the beginning but that nervousness gave me energy and focus.
I also got to practice my makeup not only on myself but on another model, Mary Cherry. She did some dope headshots which I now have in my makeup portfolio! Whoo!

I can't wait to work with him again! ahhhh! Here's the shot he edited of me. He did it right away too! How awesome is that? =)

The shiny-ness was not added in photoshop or anything; it looked like that straight out of the camera. crazy huh? Sorry the pic is cropped. Visit my myspace to see the whole thing! www.myspace.com/sabiy

Final words: Tony chu is dope!!!

2009-03-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm starting this blog thing over because I feel in a sense that my life has started anew. Things seem a little clearer to me nowadays.
I was eating my cheerios just moments ago, when accounts of last night and the conversation I had with my best friend who recently came back from Korea popped up in my mind. I haven't seen her since we graduated and the dialogue between us two clearly stated the change that location and time brought to our lives, and for me a noticeable change that happened within.

I was discussing with her how modeling and that passion had not been a prevalent topic amongst my peers. It was a struggle. No one wanted to see that I was pursuing it. Few believed in me. I have gotten into a number of arguments with friends, significant others, few that I have lost...that have said things to me that would feasibly deter me from doing it.

And I explained to her, that even though all these outside forces have shot me down and emotionally broke me down, I decided to keep doing it,...on my own, to fulfill myself. Which is why modeling to me at times seems like a very personal thing despite the fact that I share my pictures for the world to see. I don't discuss it with people unless they ask me because I grew accustomed to the idea that no one before wanted to know. I guess posting my pictures is my way of communicating to people, not only friends, but to the public that I will not give up this passion. I will overcome all the scrutiny, harsh discussion, and non-encouraging words and use that as my inspiration.

In the heat of the moment of our discussion, I told my friend that even when no one believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. Immediately after, she was like, "wow Sab, that's a great quote." Not really realizing those words came out of my mouth without her bringing attention to it, I gathered a moment later that those words came from deep within. She brought awareness to my words that made me realize why I keep going. Why I stand firm when before I was so indecisive. There were so many times when I wanted to give up. So Many.

So the change that I saw in myself last night was a new born determination, an unwavering desire, and a belief. =)