It's been a really long time

It's been a really long time that I have wanted to fall in love. For the past year, I denied any sort of male companionship to an extreme degree that I would even avoid male interaction! LOL. I just wanted to focus on myself and my pursuits.
I don't know if the holiday season or the new year is reason to my new found openness or if I ultimately do want a relationship and the desire has just been dormant for the past year. Have I always been sappy? I wonder.

I have discovered that the way I operate within a relationship is independent of male affection. I don't expect it, if I do get it, I appreciate it and I see it as a blessing. And vice versa, I give it without expecting in return because showing my affection is enough for me. I do crave it however. Nonetheless, as willing as I am to give, I sometimes hesitate about the degree of how much I should expose. I wonder if its too soon and really its because of a fear- the fear that reciprocal feelings are absent. I guess then I need to figure out the other side before I shower it with x's and o's. I'm afraid to be a fool, a hopeless romantic fool.
My dad thinks the world is going to end in 2011 shortly after my birth date. I'm not saying I agree, but for some reason I feel like the world may end before I die. And before I die, I want to fall in love. Hence, I'm slowly throwing the bricks away. Slowly...

It's difficult because I haven't exposed myself to anyone for so long. I forget how to communicate the various topics encompassed by romantic relationships. I suck at it now; and I used to complain so much about poor communication from the other side.
I recently watched the film, "A Single Man." In the film, the main character claims that with each passing year, he became "sillier" or...the way I interpreted, not as put together...contrary to the concept that with age, brings wisdom, experience, and thus the ability to bring things back to stability.

In my 23 years, I have had a good number of experiences and holding onto stability becomes more difficult each year.
My point is, I am open to falling in love, but I think my instability and maybe slight lack of confidence convinces myself that I'm still not ready.
Personally, I need a man who is stable and if I am not, why would anyone be remotely interested in me? Which gets to my next realization. I need to have the qualities that I would want in my partner. How can I expect specific attributes in someone else when I lack them myself? Perhaps this is a hybrid year of tearing down my wall while building my self esteem. I want to be ready.

Last year I lost all faith of finding a relationship in LA which is why I denied any romantic interaction. I'm slowly gaining it back, but due to my experiences, I am still highly skeptical. very very very times ten skeptical.

When you think you have a connection with someone, do you question its realness? I know that I cannot fake my excitement when it comes to romance. I wonder if anyone else can tell that I'm genuine. I wonder if the other side is genuine.

I also wonder if people can tell in the first encounter whether or not they could let themselves love one another. Say in a first date, is it possible to know or is growing to love someone else an idea that grows on you over time? With my past bfs, I had an immediate attraction that made me know almost instantaneously. In other words, I knew that inevitably I would love them.

I'm so weird, but before I meet someone for the first date, I always wonder if they will be the love of my life. I can't help it. haha. I guess I really am sappy.