SuGaR BaBy

Alright this is a little embarrassing. I've never heard of the term "sugar baby" until I roamed the personals listings on craigslist. First off, let me say, I was looking through them because I didn't believe that sort of thing existed. A man I met a few months ago told me about them and I had to see for myself. I'm a very curious girl fyi. The listings are really there and it's one of the most amusing things I have ever read. I won't get too much into what sort of interesting and peculiar things I've encountered because I'm sure you can go there right now and see the same or very similar listings that were there when I first ran into them.

However, I want to discuss one type of listing. The sugar daddy sugar baby listings. HUH? Does that sort of thing really exist? I thought it was just a term used to jokingly tease. Yea, it really does exist. When I first read them, I wondered if people actually find their sugar counterpart through craigslist. I wondered what sort of arrangements were made, what the girl would need to give to receive financial security. I bet so many girls in LA are sugar babies. I swear.

I could be one. I got offered a sugar daddy. I got offered to have my expenses taken care of as well as the option to have expensive things. Vacations, tickets to shows, fine dining,...a life of luxury and free of financial woes. In exchange, I would have to spend time with him, intimately in a private area.

When I heard these words coming from his mouth, I couldn't believe my ears. I imagined how it would help me so much; I visualized my cc debt resetting to zero. Money on a silver platter. On top of his offer, he was glamorizing the whole ordeal. It was as if he were trying to convince me that this sort of relationship is ideal. Both people get what they want. He even claimed it to be civilized, respectable, and how its arrangement could never lead to cheating. He told me to run with him if I really wanted to be free and how its a "much worthy convenience." Thinking about it now, I was momentarily brainwashed.

I thought about it a lot and to my surprise I didn't eliminate the thought so quickly. I was going to meet up with him to feed my curiosity. Sometimes, I put myself in dangerous situations. I can tell bad from good, but sometimes I like to dance around the fire, close enough that I may get burned. Danger intrigues me. I guess it's because I've been sheltered for so long.

That time was one of the few times I didn't indulge. The dangerous nature held me for a second but the ache I felt after contemplating lingered on too strongly for me to continue on with my curiosity. The feeling that overcame me as I was hearing the "arrangement" made me short of breath. I've never had that happen to me before. It was a physical sign that my mental inquiries were unhealthy. It was a foreshadow to the damaging effects it would have on my self esteem.

If I had gone along with it, my financial worries would be relieved, I would be living well, but at the expense of what I can never give up, my will.
He asked me, "Will you give yourself for a need you might have?"

Um...HELL NO! This is the year I go with my gut feeling. I need to put my thirst for danger aside.

Stupidity out the door. Let's go with what we know is inherently right.

Epiphany number?

So I was going to write about my nude shoot for my next post, but that will have to wait. I'm too tired at 4am in the morning. But, I'm still going to write since I haven't yet today.

I'm normally not up at this hour, but I just got home not too long ago. Since Artskie and King Kozen were in town, we went to Highlands. Before tonight, I haven't been to a club for about four months. I was anticipating the moment since it has been so long that I've step foot into this familiar place-the nightlife scene.

It was good to see familiar faces and like I assumed I would, I ran into the girls I used to dance with. Across the room, I could identify them with their movements.
They looked good. Before getting there, I wondered if seeing them would make me want to pick up gogo dancing again. I got my answer. NOPE.

Being there solidified my decision. I can't really explain why I wanted to quit in the first place. The money is good, I get a workout, I love to dance...but for some reason, my gut told me to stop and tonight reinforced that choice to move on. At my studio, I have to work a lot more to get the same amount of money I used to make from gogo dancing. Although the money is not up to par, it is worth the trade off. Sometimes, it's not always about the money. Sometimes.

Basically, I'm glad I went despite the fact I was dreading being there. If it weren't for the good company, I would have had a fit. Nontheless, I am thankful. Tonight I gained direction; I red lined a previous job off my list. One step closer to figuring out my life, my path, what I want to do...a trade off second to none.

My Work Place aka "Cougar Ville"

HOLY BANANAS.

So for a month now, I've been working at a workout studio. It's great, I love it. It's a charming intimate studio with all the essential and additional resources. It's in a nice area, Venice, specifically located on Abbot Kinney, a super trendy street with boutiques, oh so tasty dining, and an artistic and pleasant aura. But what really makes this job enjoyable for me is our clientele. Ok, let me get straight to the point. Our classes are full of hot middle aged women!

Their bodies are absolutely ridiculous. I can't help but stare. I mean, these women that I'm talking about are 35 and up with bodies better than 20 year olds. I'm so not kidding. They have really low body fat percentage, tight and toned muscles, and incredible stamina!

They make me look bad, and I'm TRYING to assist them. Incredibly sculpted arms, legs, backs, butts. They have an incredible dedication to fitness and they love working up a sweat. Many times, the women do the heavier weights than the men, especially when it comes to leg exercises.

Today I am sharing this because I was completely inspired after this morning's shift. 5:45 to 1:00. 7 classes, 80 people, and a number of women who completely impressed me. I usually work the evening shifts, so many of them I have never seen before. There was this one lady. She was definitely older, I think in her 40's. But her body was banging! If Michelangelo were to sculpt a female version of the David, she would be it. She was 5'7, her proportions were perfect, she wasn't overly muscular, she looked lean and tall. The most impressive thing about her physique was how her lower back curved into her bubble butt. OMG. I wondered for a second if it were fake.

There was also this other girl there. I say girl because she's definitely in her 20's. She was so freaking pretty that I couldn't even check her out. haha. You know how some people are unbelievably attractive that you can't even look them in the eye? YEA, well she was one of them. I believe she was mixed, Asian and white. I'm guessing Chinese because she had a Chinese character tattooed on her neck. She was natural. Being mixed, her hair wasn't a dark brown or black, but had a golden hue to her brown locks. Her eyes I think were light brownish green and her lashes were dark so it made them pop out more. Her nose and lips were so cute. Her nose sloped down and pointed up a bit. It was rounded but she had a little bump. It was like the perfect Eurasian nose. Definitely a special specimen. It's like she looked like she was wearing makeup but wasn't. Her skin was beautiful and lightly tanned.

After the class she was in ended, I asked my instructor who she was. Didn't get too much info, but he told me she has a British accent!!! UM, WOW. Very special specimen indeed.

There was also another girl with a mannequin body. I'm not even exaggerating. Funny thing, well to me, is that she had her hair nicely curled and up in a ponytail with a thin pink head band preventing any hairs from falling in her face. It was a 8 o'clock class so....I don't know if she did it for working out or if she came from somewhere before. And she was wearing makeup,...she kind of seemed like a stereotypical OC girl. I just thought it was amusing because she seemed a bit out of place.

There are so many different types of characters that come in. I love meeting our clients and observing them. Does that sound creepy? haha. I'm a people watcher. I believe it's the perfect environment to observe because many are in their most vulnerable state, in a position where their physical and mental strength are displayed. Even more interesting is that I believe they all have a higher level of self motivation in our private studio more than they normally would in a gym. It's their awareness that two instructors are continuously watching their every move that makes them push. We tell them to turn it up and increase their speeds, but ultimately, passing their own limit comes from within and their own desire to get results.

That's also what I love about working there. I get to help and motivate and assist in their fitness goals. Even better is I get to see determination, self motivation, desire, hard work, and unwillingness to give up. I get to be inspired in return.

I LiKe GiRls...hehehe

Well, mmmm... I like to look at girls? Haha. Not a question, it's a statement, but I'm shy to just write it out as such a bold statement. Well, the again, I guess it's pretty bold of me to write about it. HAHA. I'm weird.

I look at girls a lot, and really, I think most girls do. Google searches, myspace stalking, and reading twitter updates of my favorite models and actresses are part of my daily routine. I admire female beauty, the physical soft curves and muscle definition, their convictions and depth, their overall demeanor and the way they represent/carry themselves. There are so many attributes about a women that can make them beautiful.

This post can go on and on, but I think I need to channel my energy into one area involving the beauty of women. I guess I will have multiple posts on this subject in the future.

Personally, I'm attracted to a women with a strong sense of self. She is unwilling to be swayed by the environment or media around her. She stays true to herself. She knows how to be herself in every given situation. Not the easiest task I believe, which is why I find it so damn attractive.

Physically, I love natural beauty. No surgeries on her face, no body augmentations, no hair dye, no colored contacts, no fake nails, etc. On a tangent, I always wonder how women would look without their implants, and I think 9 times out of ten I would find them more beautiful.

There are a number of models with surgery that I find absolutely enticing and striking, but in the end I will always prefer naturalness. I can admit that some women with surgery are beautiful, but knowing that they have it kind of minuses a point. LOL.

I love a great face. haha. Who doesn't? I love strong bone structure while having feminine features. I really admire good skin. I'm so envious of it. LOL. Damn genetics!

Body wise, I think having a healthy body is ideal. Doesn't really matter if they are skinny or thick, as long as they are healthy.

So, my celeb crushes would be Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovish. Absolutely breathtaking. Right?

I also like Hyori Lee. There's something about her. I know she's got a number of surgeries, but I have to admit, she is beautiful. If you watch her videos like I do, haha, she actually has personality. A cute one.

I don't think I can pick a specific feature of a women that I like best. I think it depends on the whole package, how every feature harmonizes with one another. The slightest curves and placements make a difference. Hmmmm,....actually, I think I like lips. haha. But still, what I just wrote holds true.

Lastly, I am most impressed by a woman who can articulately speak her mind. Wit, charm, and natural seduction. WOW! It can't get any better than that. There have been times I get nervous around women like that. I get really girly, my voice gets higher, and I become shy. Honestly, personality for the win. Personality, confidence, Intelligence coupled with humbleness exudes beauty. Looks are just icing on the cake.

I am completely disgusting

Disgusting up until yesterday when I finally took it upon myself to organize the explosion of clothing that has colorfully decorated my living room floor for the past two months. It's not that I didn't want to, trust me, I know that living in clothing filth is unattractive and prone to unforgiving smells. I suck. Or...I sucked. NO more because I am actively cleaning up the mess, folding, and placing them in categorized piles...so well that v-necks and crop tops have their own.

For me, this is major. To me, cleaning this mess means so much more than the simple act of being tidy, its confronting the remembrance of the hurt and insecurity of not having my move to Cabo pan out. Some of my little tanks and bikinis that I finally picked off the floor where meant to be in Cabo's galore. So,..as you can see, it's me getting over the past and moving on.

On the topic of organization,...I'm about to get a little techie-thanks to my computer techie friend. ;) Anyways, did you know that google organizes what we search in their archives. Yes, everything we search is remembered. So if you are looking for free porn, google knows. Now, when I first heard this, my mind immediately went "surveillance! SURVEILLANCE! Damn,Where is my privacy?" However, I slowly calmed down as my friend explained that google's policy has helped solve a murder case. A man who seemed clear of murdering his wife was found guilty because the police checked his googled searches! And what did they find? Results on how to successfully cover a murder!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodness! Now...this made me think twice...google has proven to be a prime source for bringing justice. But... is limiting our privacy justice? It's a bloody wonder. I mean, what is really private nowadays?

Luckily, Google can't tap my searches. With the help of my friend, I have officially, "anonymized Google cookies" I suggest you all locate your closest techie friend to help you do the same. HAHA. I'm jk. I don't really care if google has my searches at their fingertips, I have nothing to hide.

It's been a really long time

It's been a really long time that I have wanted to fall in love. For the past year, I denied any sort of male companionship to an extreme degree that I would even avoid male interaction! LOL. I just wanted to focus on myself and my pursuits.
I don't know if the holiday season or the new year is reason to my new found openness or if I ultimately do want a relationship and the desire has just been dormant for the past year. Have I always been sappy? I wonder.

I have discovered that the way I operate within a relationship is independent of male affection. I don't expect it, if I do get it, I appreciate it and I see it as a blessing. And vice versa, I give it without expecting in return because showing my affection is enough for me. I do crave it however. Nonetheless, as willing as I am to give, I sometimes hesitate about the degree of how much I should expose. I wonder if its too soon and really its because of a fear- the fear that reciprocal feelings are absent. I guess then I need to figure out the other side before I shower it with x's and o's. I'm afraid to be a fool, a hopeless romantic fool.
My dad thinks the world is going to end in 2011 shortly after my birth date. I'm not saying I agree, but for some reason I feel like the world may end before I die. And before I die, I want to fall in love. Hence, I'm slowly throwing the bricks away. Slowly...

It's difficult because I haven't exposed myself to anyone for so long. I forget how to communicate the various topics encompassed by romantic relationships. I suck at it now; and I used to complain so much about poor communication from the other side.
I recently watched the film, "A Single Man." In the film, the main character claims that with each passing year, he became "sillier" or...the way I interpreted, not as put together...contrary to the concept that with age, brings wisdom, experience, and thus the ability to bring things back to stability.

In my 23 years, I have had a good number of experiences and holding onto stability becomes more difficult each year.
My point is, I am open to falling in love, but I think my instability and maybe slight lack of confidence convinces myself that I'm still not ready.
Personally, I need a man who is stable and if I am not, why would anyone be remotely interested in me? Which gets to my next realization. I need to have the qualities that I would want in my partner. How can I expect specific attributes in someone else when I lack them myself? Perhaps this is a hybrid year of tearing down my wall while building my self esteem. I want to be ready.

Last year I lost all faith of finding a relationship in LA which is why I denied any romantic interaction. I'm slowly gaining it back, but due to my experiences, I am still highly skeptical. very very very times ten skeptical.

When you think you have a connection with someone, do you question its realness? I know that I cannot fake my excitement when it comes to romance. I wonder if anyone else can tell that I'm genuine. I wonder if the other side is genuine.

I also wonder if people can tell in the first encounter whether or not they could let themselves love one another. Say in a first date, is it possible to know or is growing to love someone else an idea that grows on you over time? With my past bfs, I had an immediate attraction that made me know almost instantaneously. In other words, I knew that inevitably I would love them.

I'm so weird, but before I meet someone for the first date, I always wonder if they will be the love of my life. I can't help it. haha. I guess I really am sappy.

Boobs, Boobies, Titties, Tits, Beautiful Globes, God's gift...

Whatever you want to call it, I'm totally getting it! haha JUST KIDDING! I'm totally NOT! It would be a complete lie if I told you I never thought about it though. A few months ago, I was so convinced I wanted it; I even went to consultations. I discussed it with my friends and family. Some who were more than encouraging, others became angry with me and claimed, "it's the ugliest thing." I also received concerns about me looking superficial, future implant ruptures, high costs, the "fake look", etc.
In contrast, advocates would say that it would help with modeling, it would look good, its sexy...in my mind I thought about how different clothes would look, how it would be nice to fill this and that out better.
The most interesting topic that came up was about what men would think. HA! People would say, guys don't like fake boobs, they like looking at them, but not touching them! Or I would hear from guys, "I love boobies! Get it!"

mmmmm........ludicrous right? Why would I get or not get them because I'm concerned about what men would think? It's my body, it's what I want. So fyi, don't bring this topic up to anyone who is considering them.

Getting back on the topic, I will say that before I started modeling, I never considered the idea. I was strong in my stance. As time went on, my decision wavered and the idea of getting boobs wasn't a big hoopla since so many models and women nowadays have a pair. It's becoming more widely accepted.
In today's society, very few women are content with their breasts and with visuals of the "perfect" bodies, it's difficult not to compare your own to the idealized fullness and symmetrical breasts that are now so attainable. With 4k-10k, you can end your boob envy! I mean who wouldn't want Adriana Lima's breasts?

This whole boob thing was brought to my attention my first year in college. Prior, I didn't give a damn. I was happy and busy playing sports! haha. Anyways, back to the story. The summer before college, I invested a lot of time in my fitness, and I think that was the time my body was the most conditioned. I was happy with my physique. One day, this guy I had just met told me he really liked my body, but that I needed a boob job! Back then, I was really innocent and sheltered, so it kind of did hurt me. Thinking about it now, I think he was an asshole for saying that but ok lets move on.
Let's fast forward. So when I started modeling, I was introduced to the import scene. And if anyone knows, import models have big boobs, most are fake. And so since I wanted to do it for a second, people would tell me that I needed to get a boob job if I wanted to succeed. Same thing with gogo dancing. Being curvy is part of the job so it's true, having boobs gives you an advantage. Sux cuz sometimes it's more important than actual dancing ability but that's a whole other topic I don't want to get into.
Most models/gogos have myspace pages to promote themselves to get hired. The publicity of your photos are inevitably positioned under scrutiny. Sometimes you get positive feedback, other times, you get haters. One time, I posted this new candid bikini picture up, this guy, maybe 18 or 19, commented, "get a boob job." the exact words, nothing else to it. Indulging in my curiosity, I asked why. He replied, "because you need it, it will look better"
I share this story not to fish for pity or reassurance, but to make it known that this incident can be a possible reason to why women may feel insecure. Men make stupid ass comments to women about their "deficiency" which results in an evolving insecurity. It boggles my mind that men are comfortable telling women what to do with their bodies. Another incidence, I once went out with this guy, and well he went a little psycho on me. After that one time of hanging out, I told him I wasn't interested. He then begins calling me nonstop, texting nasty things and commenced criticizing my physical appearance. He told me I had man legs, a big nose, and small titties. The small titties part was the last of his critique and was emphasized with an exclamation. "You have small titties!" ...like it was the worst thing in his dislikes about me.
Now, I'm not saying men are the only reason. I just think its sad that men tell women to get breasts like its the right thing to do. Let's say these women do get the boobs and now they are the idealized bodies. Other men and women see this, and the cycle continues. I'm also aware that women want implants for their own self confidence. I have nothing against other women getting them if it makes them feel secure. I just know it's not for me.

So yea, from endless comments and critiques and visuals of other women, I did want to enhance myself, but NOT ANYMORE.
I'm a proud owner of my 34 A/B boobies. YAY! =D

I decided to bring this topic up because I had an interesting incidence with a man that I met at a gas station. He was filling up across from me and it was hard not to notice that he was very fit. I was also in my athletic wear and so we naturally began discussing fitness. I told him about how I improved my strength and loss inches as well as my next body challenge. He laughed, telling me, "don't get too cut" For some reason, I hear this from so many men. hahaha. I don't think I can. When I work out and lift weights, my body shrinks. Before he left, he said, "can I tell you one thing," (I thought I was getting work out advice)"just don't get implants. Women always want to be bigger on top and spill out of their shirts, but really, it's just not attractive. It don't matter how small they are."

I thought about how this incident went along with what my other friends were telling me about how men don't like fake boobs. Then of course, I thought about the other incidences which I just shared.

I'm exhausted from all this boob talk. LOL.
I don't think fake ones are good or bad but they can be beautiful. Nonetheless, I am FOR CERTAIN that I don't want them. There is something enticing about women who are proud with what they have. Those women have served as my inspiration not because of the size of their chest but because of their security.